It's been 6 months

It's been months since I've posted something 'from me.' I know, this blog site has been my outlet for the past year, this is where I share my sadness and happiness, and this is where I open who the real 'ME' is. 

Flashback October 2010 when I started to write it all again. I promised myself not to stop writing and blogging because it is where I feel so free. I can write whatever I want and do any blog posts that I can because I own the blog site. I can shout all my sadness and happiness just by writing what's inside my heart. Yes, 'WHAT'S INSIDE MY HEART.' 

Fast forward to second week of May 2011 when my heart was really down. This blog became my outlet. I put all the pain into words to help me (at least). And yes, it did... for a while.

A bit jump to last week of May 2011 when another painful (most painful of all as of the moment) thing happened in my life. I don't know what to do. During that time, I don't know how to put all the pain in words. I promised myself that I will not stop writing because it is an effective way to lessen the pain (next to talking with those people who can understand you) but during that time, I can't. I really don't know where and how to start. I really don't know how. Even talking to anyone became none of my choices. And yes, I faced it all ALONE.

Facing things alone is not so me. It is not me who doesn't share my thoughts. It is not me who wants to cry alone. It is not me who wants to hide my true feelings from my loved ones. Yes, I do hide some things at times when I know I can manage. But during that time, I know I can't bear it all but I HAVE TO.

I have to hide all the pain from everyone because I have a decision to make. It is always good to ask for others opinion but in that case, I don't want to ask anything from anyone. I want the answer to my questions be answered by me, without any judge but myself I don't want any person to support nor rebutt my decision. I want to reflect and this time, make my own decision. It was one of the hardest point in my life and I HAVE TO BE STRONG.

I have to be strong not for myself but for the people around me. I must admit, I don't want to be anybody's burden so I told myself that I can make it. Anyway, I have God who is always with me so I am still not alone. 

What's making all things harder is that I am jobless during that phase of my life. Meaning, I have all the time to cry and feel bad. And I guess it wasn't good so I then planned to find a job. I have to be busy for me not to think of sad thoughts. I know it will be hard to work while on that stage but I have to because I don't want to cry the whole day. Luckily, I found one and that helped me.

Slowly, I felt that the wounds are being healed. Slowly, I have answered those questions in my mind. Slowly, I have made my decision which cannot be broken by anyone. Slowly, i opened up with my friends and loved ones. Slowly, I feel free again.

Fast forward today. I am writing and doing this blog because I think I am (though not totally) ready to share what's in 'me' now. I cannot tell all in a detailed manner because there are some things that are already healed and must not be opened again, but this may be a good start. 

It's been 6 months and I guess I have made the right decision. As what I am always saying, HAPPINESS IS OUR CHOICE. What happened was not my choice but it's my choice on how am I going to face it. It is always up to us on how we will react when hard times happen.

For me, I decided to close the door, reflect, and forgive first before making any decision. People may not understand me for choosing to be with myself during those times but real friends will not ask any question and will just support me (and they did). I choose to cry not to be drowned in sadness but to let the pain out and I succeed. Now, I can feel the freedom that I want. 

It's been 6 months, almost, I guess, and now I am ready to choose happiness over sadness. Now I am ready to share 'myself' again. 

To my friends, family, and to the people who never judged me and my decision, 

A BIG THANK YOU! 

Life, thank you for all the lessons. Keep it coming for me to learn more. 

Lord, thank You because You let me understand how right it is to hold on to You more during the hard times.

Love, I will continue to share you with others and will never get tired of doing it.

      xoxo